Why Sex and Intimacy?

A few years ago, I started to notice a trend in the topics my clients and friends were bringing up…laughing mostly about how their husbands would reach out to touch/initiate intimacy late in the evening and the wives would pretend to be asleep. Most women with long term male partners can relate to this and maybe that is why it is laughed at over a glass of wine at a girls night, or in a therapy session as a passing comment. I started to hear this story or a version of it over and over; essentially the male partner initiating and the female partner doing what they can to avoid or deflect the intimacy until some time when they just have to “get it overwith” to keep her partner happy for the next few days or weeks. When pressed to not just laugh it off though, and instead explore the pattern of deflecting intimacy, many women are brought to tears. This is actually a really painful subject. If given time, women start to express their fears, unrealized hopes or desires, irritation, shame, anger, disappointment, rejection, feelings of being used or a means-to-an-end. The physical disinterest may be what is driving the conversation, but the deep emotional disconnect is what is not being talked about.

I found myself eager to understand better how to support women (and men) through this initiation-deflection pattern and my whole world opened up. I began to learn about how desire, arousal, and libido actually work from a brain/body systems perspective. I began to learn about the many layers of intimacy, cultural messaging about sex and intimacy, and how many women want to but have no idea how to (or feel too ashamed to) embody their sexuality. I began to take more seriously how many men have received bad or little information about their own intimacy needs let alone a woman’s, and how much BETTER intimacy can be when all layers of intimacy are understood.

There’s great information about intimacy out there, and there’s also terrible advice. My goal is to help you sort through it, share evidence-based insights, and invite you to explore your own needs and desires. While my work is primarily with cisgender, heterosexual individuals in monogamous relationships, healthy intimacy is for everyone. We have a lot to  learn from each other…like the healthy communication skills often found in ethical non-monogamous relationships, the rejection of rigid gender roles in same-sex relationships, and the body safety and pleasure advocacy hard-won by women of color.

With that in mind, here’s my first recommended resource: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This book explains how women’s sexual desire and arousal are shaped by brain science, context, and individual differences which helps readers embrace sexuality without shame. If you’re noticing a desire gap in your relationship, start with information. No pressure to make immediate changes. Just learn, so you can make mindful, compassionate choices about what’s next. In my next post, I’ll share ways to apply the book’s insights, but I’d love to hear your takeaways if you’ve already read it.

P.S. I love to shop local so here is the link for Come As You Are from a local Colorado bookstore: https://booksareawesome.net/search?q=come%2Bas%2Byou%2Bare

Here is the link for Amazon: https://a.co/d/2nzjmZ0