How Your Brain’s ‘Gas and Brakes’ Shape Your Sexual Experience

Emily Nagoski’s acclaimed book Come As You Are is an absolute gold mine when it comes to naming, explaining, and problem solving intimacy issues that often show up for couples (or those without a partner too!). Honestly, every chapter could be a blog post..but since you might as well read the book at that point, I’ll highlight a theme in the book:  “Turning on the ons” might only be possible if you are also “Turning off the offs”. 

“Turning on the ons” is an accessible way of talking about our brain’s Sexual Excitation System (SES). Essentially, it's the part of our brain that says, "This feels good! Keep going!" The SES helps create the excitement and arousal that lead to sexual engagement, aka putting our foot on the gas pedal. Most of us hear all about ideas for activating the SES. We grew up hearing about “turn-ons” in the media, from friends, and maybe even through our own positive experiences. When hormones are raging and we are in the prime of our youth, all we may need to do is focus on the turn ons (for some). During the honeymoon phase of a relationship the turn ons may be the only thing a couple discusses because it is EXCITING! The problem is that as a relationship exits the honeymoon phase, our bodies age, trauma occurs, shame or purity messaging becomes loud, or life becomes hard, focusing on the turn-ons just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. 

That’s when it is time to start considering “turning off the offs”. This is our Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) which is like the "brake" pedal. It works to inhibit or dampen sexual arousal when there are factors that could cause harm, distress, or discomfort. It is quite brilliant actually because it is a natural way to make sure we are consenting to sexual intimacy, but sometimes, actually oftentimes, we aren’t really aware that its main goal is safety because it tends to look like avoidance.

.The SIS system can become activated by:

• Daily stressors like work stress or a jam-packed schedule, feeling rushed

• Relationship stressors like feeling disconnected from your partner or having regular conflict

• Pressure to perform, to say yes even if you aren’t ready or feeling it

• Past trauma

• Medical issues, hormone issues, sexual functioning issues that create anticipatory anxiety (Will this hurt again? Will this bad thing happen again? Will I be embarrassed again? Will I be rejected again?)

• Body image issues

As you read this list that is definitely not exhaustive, you can imagine how hard it is to actually talk about these issues with your partner. Even the best communicators often struggle to identify and share their feelings about intimacy. I like to start with a simple opener and have both partners identify just two or three gas pedal items and two or three brake pedal items (and maybe even the least vulnerable or scary brake pedal items). For example, let’s say the list looks like this: 

Partner A Gas	Partner A Brakes	Partner B Gas	Partner B Brakes
Foot massage Neck kisses	Kids awake Dirty dishes still in sink	Cuddling Direct verbal initiation	Too tired Stressed about work meetings

Next, we talk about how it could look to take one thing off the brake pedal before engaging in connection time with your partner. Just one thing. And maybe how we could help take that  thing off of our partner’s brake pedal if possible. The conversation starts just that simply. This is of course not to guarantee sexual  intimacy will happen, but to begin to build a foundation for being more open about our brake pedal items and leave a little breathing room for non-sexual intimacy to develop (a very important stepping stone to safe and yummy sexual intimacy). 

Nagoski explains that some people have more sensitive gas pedals and brake pedals, so there is much room for nuance and context in each unique relationship. If someone with sensitive breaks is paired with someone who has a very sensitive gas pedal, there needs to be  A LOT of positive communication in order for intimacy to feel good and grow with the relationship. I happen to think that can be a really good thing though, as overwhelming as that may sound to some. Also, before you gender stereotype, it is NOT always the guy that has the sensitive gas pedal. There is more diversity in sexual arousal sensitivity within genders than between. 

What do you all think? Have you read the book? What are your thoughts on the SES and SIS systems? 

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