The Myth of Natural Ease: What Breastfeeding Taught Me About Sexual Wellbeing

I remember believing that breastfeeding was the most natural thing in the world, something my body would instinctively know how to do. I took the breastfeeding class at the hospital, just like the birthing class, because my doctor recommended it and every first-time parent around me seemed to do the same. I fully expected childbirth to require support and preparation. But breastfeeding? A class or two should be enough. How hard could something so “natural” really be?

Looking back, I don’t think anyone ever told me it would be easy. I had simply seen a few friends do it without visible struggle and assumed that meant it was straightforward.

As it turns out, it wasn’t. With my firstborn, breastfeeding was incredibly difficult. I can’t prove their personality played a role, but nearly a decade later I can say that child has challenged every assumption I’ve had about anything. The real point is that breastfeeding did not come naturally. I needed weekly breastfeeding groups, a lactation consultant, and a very good therapist to land in a healthy emotional place with a breastfeeding and formula hybrid that worked for us. 

This brings me to the heart of this post. How many of us grew up believing that sex is also “natural” and therefore should be easy? How many of us never questioned that assumption until things didn’t go as smoothly as we expected?

Many of us carry beliefs like:

• If I follow my religion or values, my sex life will be “blessed” and easy

• If I get experience with multiple partners, I will automatically become great at sex

• If I am with the right person, sex will be effortless to talk about

• I will know what I need when the moment comes

• Sex naturally gets better with time

• If sex was great with a past partner, there is no reason to believe it will not be great with the person I care about now

  
  

Some of these may feel true at times; however, for many people, they do not hold up consistently. And just like breastfeeding, when sex does not come easily, we often feel shame because we think something natural should not require help.

This is what I want to normalize, support around sex and intimacy. If breastfeeding support groups can be so widely accepted, why can’t seeking help for our sexual wellbeing carry the same dignity and compassion? Sex is deeply vulnerable, and whether we are single or partnered, it matters. It matters a great deal.

If you are wanting more connection, pleasure, or confidence, there are excellent resources available. Today I want to highlight one, the book Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. You may know her Instagram account with her husband Xander, which has over a million followers, where they talk candidly and humorously about relationships and intimacy. The book, endorsed by the infamous John Gottman, breaks down five conversations that can transform your sex life. The first is Acknowledgment. As Marin says, “sex is a thing, and we have it.” It is simple, and yet surprisingly hard for many couples to say out loud.

Some people will find that books, podcasts, and social media are enough to spark change. Many of us, however, need more. This is where sex therapy or coaching becomes profoundly powerful. It is one thing to read or practice new tools; it is another to have someone trained to notice the subtle moments you look away, tear up, get defensive, or swallow your words without realizing why. Those micro-moments we gloss over are often the exact places that need attention. They are the sore spots that, when tended to, allow healing and pleasure to expand.

I have seen couples who have been together for 10, 20, or even 30 years finally talk about something that has been hurting since year one, and things get better. Truly better.

If you pick up this month’s recommended resource, wonderful. It might be exactly what you need. If you still find these conversations difficult, that does not mean you are broken or behind. It may simply mean you deserve support, the same way I did with breastfeeding.

Because as natural as sex is, it does not always come naturally, and there is no shame in getting the help that makes everything better.

Here is the link for Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin:

Support Local: https://booksareawesome.net/book/9781668009314

Amazon: https://a.co/d/6WfamLP